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Jokes
Here are some of my favourite jokes. They're organised in catagories. I hope they'll bring a smile to your face and brighten your day! ^0^
School
Food
Sports
Misc
School
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds are there in a year?
Student: Twelve miss. 2nd of January, 2nd of February...
Teacher: Now children, this afternoon I'm going to tell you all about a gorilla. So pay attention
all of you. If you don't look at me then you'll never know what a gorilla is.
Teacher: You're new here aren't you? What's you're name?
Student: Albert Mickey Jones
Teacher: I see, well I'll just call you Albert Jones then.
Student: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name.
Teacher:> Sam, 'R-O-X' doesn't spell 'rocks'
Sam: What does it spell then?
Teacher: If I have 4 apples in one hand, and 5 apples in the other, then what have I got?
Student: Awfully big hands!
Rosie: Miss, I ain't got a pencil.
Teacher: No, not ain't. I haven't got a pencil, they haven't got a
pencil, you haven't got a pencil.
Rosie: Gosh miss, what's happened to all the pencils?
What does minimum mean?
A very small mother!
If athelets get athletes foot, then what do astronauts get?
Missil toe.
What do you call a robbery in Beijing?
A chinese takeaway!
Mum: Why didn't you take the bus home?
Andy: I tried, but I couldn't fit it into my bag.
Which is the best hand to write with, right or left?
Neither, it's best to write with a pen!
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Sports
Did you hear about the 2 flies playing soccer in a saucer?
They were practising for the cup!
What happened when the shirts played the jackets?
It ended in a tie!
2 boys were playing soccer. One tried to shoot a goal, but missed and said: "I couldn't kicked
myself!" "Don't bother," said the other. "You'll probably
miss."
Mark: Are you going to watch the rugby match tonight?
Daniel: No, its a waste of time. I can tell you the score before the game starts.
Mark: Can you? What is it then?
Daniel: Nil-nil.
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food
Why was the soup rich?
Because it had 14 carrots in it.
Did you hear about the mean cook?
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
How did the dinner lady get a electric shock?
She stepped on a bun and a currant went up her leg.
What's worse than finding a catterpillar in your salad?
Finding half a caterpillar.
What looks like half a chip?
The other half.
Mary: This egg is bad.
Waiter: Don't blame me, I only laid the table.
Waiter, waiter! There's a button in my salad.
It must be from the jacket dressing.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Jenny(Crying): I've just baked a cake and the cat ate it!
Mark: Never mind, dad'll get us a new cat.
A pig, a chicken and a cow order their lunches at a resteruant. The waitress says:"So that's
3 bacon and cheese ommeletes. One without bacon, one without eggs, and one without
cheese."
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Misc
Mary had a little bear, to which she was so kind.
And everywhere that Mary went, she had a bear behind.
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now she brings it to school everyday, between 2 slices of bread.
Hickory dickory dock,
2 mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
But the other escaped with minor injuries.
A knight was riding through a forest when he saw several trees with bulls-eye targets painted on
their trunks, all with an arrow in the dead centre. The knight was determined
to find the person who shot those arrows. To his surprise, a young boy admitted
it was him.
"I was thinking about the phrase: You are what you eat," said a squirrel to his consultant.
"And I suddenly realised I was nuts!"
"You didn't just push the arrows into the target did you?" Asked the knight.
"No, I shot it from a hundred paces." Swore the boy.
"So what's your secret to becoming such a great archer?"
"Well," said the boy "I first shot the arrow...then painted the bulls-eye around it."
What do you call a mule with 3 legs?
A wonky donkey.
What do you call a short mule with 3 legs?
A dinky wonky donkey.
What do you call a short mule with 3 legs and one eye?
A winky dinky wonky donkey.
What do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye and breaking wind?
A stinky winky dinky wonky donkey.
What do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind and playing the piano?
A plinky plonky stinky winky dinky wonky donkey.
What do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind, playing the piano and driving a tractor?
Very clever.
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